The Final Fantasy Versus XIII Trailer Spoof
by secretgal
Summary: I did with Final Fantasy XIII, now it's time for Versus. I appologize here for any stupid or flat jokes.


The first thing the audience sees is a black screen. Then the words "from the staff of KINGDOM HEARTS & FINAL FANTASY VII: ADVENT CHILDREN" appear into view. Questions! Where's Kingdom Hearts III? What do these two groups have in common? Why does this feel like a sale pitch? What's going on?!

The words then fade away and a piano starts to play a mournful melody. The black screen then disappears to reveal a metropolis, New York type city landscape under a cloudy night sky. The coloring and the fact that the KH team is behind this makes me think that this is actually the World the Never Was and that this game is a Kingdom Hearts game.

Now we get another bit of text on the screen. "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so – William Shakespeare." Actually, the person who said that was Hamlet you fool! And now we have officially gotten our mandatory quota of weird-philosophical-jiberish-that-Square-uses-to-confuse-fans-and-make-the-game-seem-more-interesting for this trailer. As the words appear, the screen fades to black again.

When the Shakespeare/Hamlet reference is gone, some woman starts signing with the piano. The words appear to be in Latin. But since it's a dead language and the words make no sense, the singer really sounds like she's saying, "Tell us doors Horney and least being me angle, facts in hume, no quam 'bout text." As this is going on, the screen now shows what appears to be some sort of weird room. There's a skylight with a huge beam of light, even though the previous scene established it is the middle of the night. There are blue metal beams surrounding the hole, making it look like a tricked out wheel. All the beans meet in a single column and then meet at the floor. As the camera pans down, we see that there is a person sitting in some sort of elaborate chair. The person appears to be either very bored or sleeping.

As the camera stops and we get even more back story stuff. Will this affect the actual plot or appear in the released game? – At this point, I have no idea. But all we know is that there's something about the modern world, sorcery, magic, kingdoms, and a crystal. Yep, sounds like a Final Fantasy game. A Kingdom Hearts game would have something like "Darkness in the Light of Dark Hearts reveals to us the Light in Dark of Darkness Hearts". The female singer is still singing. "Next perches sheep on the sea."

Again, the camera fades to black and then reappears closer to the figure. The soloist sings something like, "Oh my dear vive Dee, tragedy". He, but then again this is Square Enix where the women look more like men, looks incredibly bored. Actually, the person is doing absolutely nothing; he's just sitting in his little comfy chair, waiting for something interesting to happen, or that he's waiting for the director to say action and he fell asleep on the set. Either way, he's not moving.

We then get a second zoom in on the stranger's upper body. We can now see that the person looks like Cloud Strife if he cut his spikes off and died his hair blue. And even though this guy is wearing all black, he is in no way EMO. He's just likes that color…I think. What is amazing is that even though he's asleep, he looks like he's posing for a magazine cover. Clearly, he is the main character.

There is a third zoom in on the face. This time, he appears to awaken from his sleep and opens his eyes, which are red. He says nothing but the expression leads me to think that his mind is going something like, "My main character senses are tingling. It's time for me to do something hot." He then, to the shock of everyone watching, stands up and struts out! This is actually the most action we've seen in the 1 minute and 20 something seconds since the trailer started. The singer reaches a crescendo as the character walks away. "Come on rain on thunder plane!"

As the character walks off, we get yet another bit of text. The summary here is "blah blah kingdom blah blah crystal blah blah blah blah blah".

The trailer now shifts to what I presume are outside of the room we've been in. Queue dramatic lightning flash as we see two obvious Lord of the Rings type statues; they appear to be pillars to a building. Panning down, we see a bunch of dead bodies spread out on a series of steps and our main character. He looks at the dead bodies and must have the reaction of, "Crap. I knew I shouldn't have hired the cheap Turk cosplayers as security guards."

The sleep guy then looks out in front of him. The camera comes in from behind his head, revealing a group of…medieval armored men with submachine guns? What alternate universe is this? Has humanity's sense of fashion devolved back to the 14th century?

Ignoring that, the group seems oblivious to the presence of the sleepy guy. A few look like they are in the middle of conversations. "Yeah I tell you," one guy says, "I really like working for Square. I've got a dental plan."

"Really?"

"Yeah, oh wait. There's someone here!" One of the armored men seems to point out that the sleepy guy has arrived and every turns their attention to him. The leader might have even said, "Oh hey, can you help us find the main character?"

The sleepy guy scoffs and takes the most dramatic step down a stair in the history of mankind. The medieval men respond by all aiming their machine guns at the main character. What is taking a step forward a crime against humanity in this world?

The singer returns with the line, "And no baby no tell us!" The sleepy guy must be in a good mood, because he just starts walking towards the mass of medieval men. We see a view of a few of the men squirm and fiddle with their guns, as if they are terrified by someone walking towards them.

Finally, one of the guys decided to fire and unloads a massive round directly into the sleepy guy's path and the audience. But unfortunately for him, his aim is horrible as his shots just hit the stairs and he's in a Final Fantasy game where swords do way more damage than guns and bullets.

The sleepy guy just continues walking as if he's not in any danger. As a few lucky shots do hit his body, the audience sees some sort of invisible barrier of glass protect him. This, ladies and gentlemen, is his secret weapon.

A few more medieval guys join in, shooting wildly on the stairs. Maybe they are hitting flies or imaginary ducks. In that sense, they are killing something because clearly the sleepy guy is immune to all bullets.

The singer continues as we now get a zoom in towards the sleepy guy as he raises one hand. "And now for my first trick," he says. Suddenly, a series of swords appears around him. Crap. The armored guys are screwed now.

"All your fan girls…"

The swords start spinning around him, making a series of pretty lights. He's not going to turn into a sailor scout, right?

He then grabs one of the swords and pulls toward him. This creates a motorcycle sound, and his hotness factor has just increased by two-hundred percent. As the lights slow down, we get a close up on his face. If he could say something, it would be, "are belong to me now."

Every teenage girl watching this trailer now faints as the screen fades to black and the singer ends with "Forum of the end party, Man of temple, Adios Parcheesi?" We now see the logo: FINAL FANTASY VERSUS XIII. And thus, a million fanfics, drawings, cosplays, and dreams, are born.

Oh, and we get a last shot of the sleepy guy sleeping again. I guess he pwned all the armored guys and got bored again.


End file.
